Depression


There are several definitions of depression:

  1. Feelings of severe despondency and dejection
    1. Self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression
    2. A mental condition characterized by feelings of severe despondency and dejection., typically also with a feeling of inadequacy and guilt, often accompanied by a lack of energy and disturbance of appetite and sleep.
  2. A long and severe recession in an economy or market
    1. Take 1929 for instance
  3. The action of lowering something or pressing something down
    1. Sunken place or hollow on a surface
  4. The angular distance of an object below the horizon or horizontal plane.

So which one am I

I know I am not an economy or an object on a horizontal plane, unless, this is a flat Earth. So it must be 1 or 3. I am going to pick number 1.  Yes, I am going to go with the feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

Why

This goes back to my youth when the feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt were all around me. I had a teacher tell me if I can’t figure out the math, then I will never make it in life.  Then there the kids who picked on me and made fun of me. Not sure why. I guess I was different because I was different, we all are different in our own ways. That was just in elementary school.

Jr. High

Wasn’t all that different just more kids to pick on the different. I was overwhelmed with self-doubt. I know I was being affected as my sleep was being affected. I moved to a new Jr. high and things somewhat got better, I was becoming somewhat popular, people knew who I was and enjoyed having me around. Still, the feelings of my inadequacy where there.

High school

I thought things were still going good. I was gaining confidence and thinking that my depression was behind me. Still, there were things that still wasn’t right.

  • I wasn’t sleeping, I mean I had insomnia, which is a sleep disorder, depression was still around.
  • Self-doubt was still there
  • Inadequacy, the feelings are still around

There was a teacher that told me and both my mom and dad that I wouldn’t go anywhere.  That I wasn’t smart enough to the math. Once again it is the math that they targeted me with and they say that I wasn’t smart enough. The way this teacher treated me was just awful. Destroying my self-worth, self-confidence. All sort of things that were going thru my mind.  I was still depressed as high school went on and my senior year was the worst. There was a girl I liked, I mean really liked. Looking back at it I think she liked me as well. Just the small and little hints and not so little hints either. But I was so lost in my depression that the thoughts of suicide were clouding my judgment and my thoughts. I couldn’t even think straight.

Life

It took me a while to get home that night as I thought about what was going on and what was happening in my life and what led me to this point, which was the lowest point in my life.

After I got home that night, my parents asked me if things were OK, of course, I lied and said that things were OK, just a lot going on in my life. I don’t know if they believed me or not.

As I laid there awake, not being able to sleep. I started to think about life and what to do. I thought about asking this girl out, but my self-confidence was shot to hell, and why would she go out with me. Since I went out with a girl and all she did was flirt with some other guy. Yea, that was a shot to my self-confidence. So why would this girl even think about going out with me?  Would she? That is what I thought about for a while, I mean I was awake anyway.

Suicide

Yes, this is a popular thing among people with depression. Yes, this was on my mind a lot. How could my life up to this point be about one thing? How to die? How to do it? I guess the lack of sleep and the self-doubt was just overwhelming me.  The thoughts were on my mind daily.

Why didn’t I do it

There are a lot of reasons why I didn’t do it. There were times where I was very close. I guess being up for hours upon hours with like 2 to 3 hours of sleep would push you over the edge.

I remember one time I was so close to doing this, I was thinking of driving my car into bridge supports at a high rate of speed.

Star Trek: The Next Generation

One night I was really close and for some odd reason I stopped by my aunt’s house it was like 10 at night. What in the heck was I doing, at her house at that time of night? She knew something was wrong and invited me in and we sat and watched Star Trek: TNG no talking just sat there in silence. As I left that night, she told me that she loved me and she will always be there for me.

That is why I love Star Trek

Am I over it

No, I am not over it, the depression is and will always be there for me. It comes and it goes and I can see and thoughts of suicide are there, but I will never do it. I am just not that way anymore.

Did I tell anyone

Of course, I didn’t tell anyone what was going on. I did things that I thought would make me happy, they didn’t. I didn’t do something that I should have done all because I was sure that people would just hate me treat me different.

Wonder what they are doing

To all the people that made fun of me, making me feel so inadequate in life. But, hey I am still here. Doing what I can do to make it in life. So I wonder how far they got in life? How many more people lives have they destroyed, due to the pettiness of their low self-esteem?

Yes, I still watch Star Trek when I can. Yes, sometimes it can be cheesy but it gets a point across.

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