This is a very, very bad thing that a lot of people go through and it just sucks big time. I am going to try and explain what I can in writing about my experience.
That feeling of hopelessness and the no-will to live has been there in my life. It was Nov. of 1988. I was sitting there in my Spanish class and I am not sure what happened. I just got up and left tears in my eyes and went across the street to my aunt’s house and laid on her couch and cried for about an hour. Went back to school and went to football practice. The next day was the state championship game.
We lost that game that was sad and disappointing. Whatever happened was put on the back burner until about April of 1989. I was in the principal’s office with my parents. We were talking about my Spanish class. I needed to get out of that class or I would have to summer school. So we talked to the other Spanish teacher and he let me come into his class. With 2 months left of school, I needed a C to pass and not take summer school.
Showed up for that class and a girl I had a huge crush on was in it. I worked my butt off and I got a C out of that class. I basically had to relearn Spanish from the year. My teacher was shocked, he asked me who I created off. But, everyone around me got less on the final than I did.
In the summer of ’89 and I was dating a girl, we met at work and things were going well. I finally had a girlfriend so someone actually liked me. I had a hard time in this area and well friends in general. Yes, I had a lot of school friends I knew a lot of people. But most of the time when we had plans with some Friends they would dog me. That summer my girlfriend was always there so my depression was at bay right now. I was doing fine.
The school was starting back up, had a girlfriend and football practice. Something else was lurking in the background depression. I broke up with my girlfriend, but we were still friends. She sat in front of me in my marketing class. As the year was progressing so was the depression and it was getting more and more in the way of my life.
The year was going along, and homecoming was coming up. I had 2 girls I wanted to ask for homecoming. One was a girl I had a crush on last year, she had one on me as well. She said no. That just shot me in the heart and my self-esteem and self-confidence went down.
Now I thought what in the hell am I going to do? Should I ask out that cute girl in 2 of my classes? She sat across from me in marketing and was in my parenting class. But if she said no. I would have to see her every day and I am not sure if I could handle that. I had a major crush on her. I was nervous every time I talked to her. So I went with my safety plan. I took a girl that I went out with a couple of times.
Football season came to an end, probably the worst time I had while playing football. The depression was still there and getting bigger and bigger and I just didn’t know how long I could keep it at bay.
I soon found myself back in the principal’s office with my parents. I had to get out of my math class. The teacher told my mom during the parent-teacher conference. That was I was dumb and I should go back to lesser math. Now you know why I hate math. We sat and talked about this in the office and the principal said don’t go back to that math class. Until he talks to me. The only problem is I had the same teacher for 8th period as well. There was nothing that he could do about that class and I would just have to stick that one out. But he did put the teacher on notice not to mess with me or give me a bad grade in that class. Well, it was a pass or fail class. I passed that class.
I went to my other math class at the same hour. The girl that told me no was in that class, but it didn’t matter. I was crushing on someone else. That I am afraid to talk to. But, I took a test the first time I went to that class. The teacher said do the best I can. Since we were three chapters or so behind. I got the highest score in the class. I was shocked. I had a point to prove to myself and that was I wasn’t dumb.
My senior year
Is supposed to be the best year, right? It wasn’t for me. I was hiding my depression as best I could. I didn’t drink or do drugs for my depression. I saw what that did to people. But my depression was getting out of hand.
I had a crush on a girl I would talk to for a few minutes at a time. But that was all. My heart was racing and I was afraid she would see the darkness in my eyes and see that depression and then run far away. I think she had a crush on me. She would honk at me when she was driving and so forth. But I was too stupid or just focusing on hiding the depression and I didn’t see the signs.
It was the lowest I have ever been in my state depression. The feeling of hopelessness. The feeling that no one could like me. I was a nerd, I was made fun of and the list could go on and on.
One night I was coming home from work and I pulled over and sat there thinking about the state I am in and how much longer will I be to handle this anymore. I thought of a way to end it all. I knew what to do. Drove home and went about my business as usual.
Later that night after work, I was headed to end it all and stop the depression for good. You know commit suicide. I had the plan and it would be over. I will be rid of this thing that is keeping me down. But something happened that prevented my death that night. I ended up at my aunt’s house and she could tell something was wrong. She asked me in and said let’s watch some TV. We watched Star Trek, the next generation. It was on Fox at 10 PM. We just sat there and didn’t say much. I left the house and went home. That night I reflected on the night and what almost happened.
Did that cure my depression, oh, hell no!! It didn’t. I still had depression, it will be there always. But I didn’t want it to control me. The question on your mind did I ever ask that girl out. No, didn’t but we talked more often. My self-esteem was shot to hell.
Check out the video, I put out there on YouTube.